The Birds and the Bees
by Artemis1000
Summary: Cassian had expected their relationship to cause a stir, he had braced himself for that. He hadn't counted on this bizarre fascination with their (non-existent) sex life.


Notes: For Chocolate Box Exchange. I went with a somewhat different take on their sexual (in-)compatibility for this treat.

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 **The Birds and the Bees**

Cassian Andor expected a great number of difficulties once word spread on base that he shared more than friendship with K-2SO.

Well, strictly speaking, first he had been greatly displeased by the fact that it had gotten out at all, and second he expected a great number of difficulties.

He had followed protocol when he informed his direct superior of a personal relationship which could compromise them, and thus had to be considered for mission assignments. It wasn't forbidden for agents to engage in intimate relationships, though General Draven preferred his agents in Operations unattached. Once people had someone waiting for them back on base they were a lot more bothered by that 23% likelihood of making 20 missions alive.

Cassian still didn't know if Draven meant to punish him for his choice of partner, or for taking one at all, but their next mission was assigned by Draven saying loudly in the mess hall, _Andor, I'll be seeing you and your droid lover in my office, right now_. It had, in fact, _not_ been an improvement from Draven's normal habit to call K-2 his pet droid.

"People are going to be watching us all the time now," he told K-2 once they were underway to Geonosis, and quietly added that they would be a freak show to their comrades.

The Alliance explicitly approved of inter-species relationships, but organics being with droids was something altogether different and had its fair share of problems from the practical – how to have a candlelight dinner with someone who doesn't eat? – to the legal – for all their artificial intelligence droids were objects, not people.

"The likelihood of that is very high," K-2 concurred. It was a show of his consideration for Cassian's feelings that he refrained from calling it a certainty when they both knew better.

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His fears were proven right the day after they made it back, though certainly not in a way which Cassian had been prepared for.

They were a freak show, but they weren't met with the open hostility and disgust he'd braced himself for. It was more disquieting. They, the loners used to living in the shadows, had become the object of the entire base's train wreck fascination.

Although driven more by thoughtlessness than cruelty, it was still unpleasant and frustrating to deal with.

"I'm afraid I don't understand, Sergeant," Cassian told the Pathfinder spotting for him in the gym, his ever-icier tone of voice saying clearly that he did understand and Disapprove of this line of questioning.

The Sergeant added to the weights Cassian was lifting just like he had requested, but then he also added, "well, I'm just saying, the boys and I have been wondering, where do you _put it_ with a battle droid?"

Cassian abruptly got up from the bench. He grabbed his towel. "I think we're done here, Sergeant. Thank you."

The man's mouth dropped. "But… I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, sir. Sir. Wait…"

He walked off, and believed they would grow tired of their questions

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Very soon, Cassian learned that nobody was growing tired of it. Mind you, this was the juiciest gossip to hit Base One since Admiral Ackbar and General Cracken nearly came to blows over strategy, and that had been last year.

"There has been an increased interest in the mechanics of our sexual interactions," K-2 told him when they were relaxing in his quarters one evening, K-2 picking little pieces of rubble out of his elbow joint and Cassian cleaning his favorite rifle.

Cassian looked up from scrubbing at a particularly stubborn stain, the beginnings of a disgruntled frown on his face. "Kay, we don't _have_ sexual interactions."

"I have observed that organics regularly deny existing sexual relations in public."

"I know!" he huffed. "But we don't! We…" He crumpled up the oil cloth and resisted the urge to throw it at K-2's face. He was sounding far too gleeful about this mess.

K-2 dipped his head in acquiescence, he even dimmed the glow of his eyes.

Cassian didn't buy it. K-2 was a terrible liar, and right now he wasn't even trying.

"I have also observed that organics regularly fabricate unlikely tales of sexual relations."

He threw the cloth, and made a sound which could legitimately be called a growl. "We are not making up sordid sex tales, Kay!"

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"Now, see, I'm not judging, I get unusual relationships, I'm just trying to understand…" Maddel's gaze lingered on a silver protocol droid walking past them. She shrugged, fork in the air. "Alright, let's be frank, I haven't got a good reason, but I really want to get this."

Unlike every other person who had asked so far, Rodma was someone Cassian liked, so he stirred around in his mystery stew and tried to think of an answer that didn't involve _it's none of your kriffing business_ while still basically being _it's none of your kriffing business_. "He's Kay. He's been my partner since I was 18. He knows me better than I know myself."

"I get _that_ ; nobody is surprised the only person who can put up with you is a droid, there have been jokes about that for years," Maddel said bluntly. The latter was news to Cassian. Before he could remark on it she hemmed and hawed and fiddled around with her food in a way which told Cassian exactly where this was going. "Just... I'm wondering, how did you figure out you wanted to do the deed? Have you always been into droids or is it a just-him thing?"

That was a lot more respectful than a very drunk tech quizzing him on the sexiness of hydraulic ramps.

It was still none of her kriffing business.

Cassian gave her an unimpressed look. "It's not because I'm from a CIS world, if that's what you're asking. _Seppies are droid fuckers_ is really just a slur."

That shamed Maddel into silence, and never asking again.

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Sometimes Cassian considered telling the truth. But it remained nobody's business, and he didn't like to budge on matters of principle.

For another, it made him uneasy to think about the reactions. As fixated as everybody was on his sex life, they would find it unsatisfying to learn he had none.

Maybe, and he didn't like to think about that, he also felt a little bit self-conscious. Cassian had never been bothered by K-2 telling him that _exchanging body fluids is boring_ , it meant that Cassian had exactly as much sex as prior to their relationship – none. With everybody assuming their romance was some wild and raunchy droid fetish jaunt, he was starting to wonder if he ought to care more, everyone else did. But he hadn't lost anything, while gaining a great number of things.

There was no way this could be won. In the best-case scenario, he would be looked at with pity, or people would think their relationship lesser for the things they didn't do. In the worst-case, the benevolent amusement extended to his bizarre sexual preferences wouldn't extend to genuine love.

"Maybe you're right. We should make something up," Cassian said while he was crouched on an outcropping, sniper's rifle pointed at the Imperial base below them. They were only doing support today, cover fire in case the team planting the explosives had to make a run for it. "About us. Sex."

There was a cacophony of explosions far below, and the main building started to collapse.

He gritted his teeth. Too early. Something had gone wrong.

"I have been running calculations," K-2 announced, sounding far too pleased with himself as usual, "I have compiled 147 scenarios."

Cassian took aim on the guard on the southern watchtower. Not yet. "How many of these are anatomically possible?"

There was a long silence, then, "I don't have sufficient data."

"So what you're saying is, you have 147 instances of complete bullshitting."

Another long silence, disturbed only by the soft mechanical noises of K-2 shifting his stance.

"That is correct."

Adjust your aim. Fire. The team was running for the southern gate, slowed down by two being injured. Cassian did his best to clear the path for them.

K-2 unfolded himself from his crouched position.

"Cassian, we have to leave. There are enemies converging on our position, and you didn't give me a blaster."

"Give me another moment," he said, trusting K-2 to keep the troopers off his back. There were just two of them getting into range, he could handle that.

Cassian took out two enemy snipers before getting up and hastily snapping his rifle into blaster mode. K-2 had acquired a Stormtrooper's blaster, and was firing on a squad of five more troopers hot on his tail.

They ran.

Cassian gasped when K-2 yanked him out of the way, right before a blaster bolt would have hit him in the chest.

"I wish these were the stories people asked for," he grumbled as he pulled himself away from K-2's chest, and went back to returning the fire from behind a boulder.

The droid's photoreceptor units dimmed in amusement. "I believe my performance can be considered satisfying."

Cassian faked a cough to hide his laughter. "Why don't you make that scenario #148."

They never made it that far.

After scenario #26, people stopped asking after their sex life.

K-2 kept sharing them anyway, gleefully and at the most inopportune times, and somehow Cassian could never be bothered to put a stop to it.

 _The End_


End file.
